What If I’m Not Good Enough?

This post may slightly be tailored towards my Legally Brunette series, however, it’s some thoughts of mine, that some of you may relate to. Therefore, because of this, I decided to categorise it as a think piece.

If you look anywhere online on how to become a successful solicitor (or), barrister, you’ll find plenty of information on the academic element. It is the same information told every time; complete a law degree (LLB) or a conversion course (GDL) with the top grades because if you haven’t been pre-warned already, you’re competing with law graduates all over the country. They’ll have worked hard and left with exceptional honours and most often than not, they will be coming from the almighty Russell Group universities. 

It doesn’t stop there though. You’ll be faced with finding vacation schemes, placements and training contracts, if not all three, in order for you to have somewhere to go after completing the Legal Practise Course (LPC) for those taking the solicitor route (what ya girl Courtney is dreaming of) or the Bar Professional Training Course (BPTC) for those being brave to work in the chambers and right at the heart of court dealings. Once you think your dream job can start, you need to find a training contract or pupilage which will allow you to work independently as a solicitor or barrister after completion.

Now a little bit of background history; I come from a working-class family (absolutely nothing wrong with that and it is something I am proud of). I attended state schools for both primary and secondary and again went to a state-funded college for further education. Not to sh*t on the school I came from, but in all honesty, it was not the best, I have spoken freely about my high school experience on many blog posts, which you’ll find lying around on my blog somewhere. It didn’t have the best Ofsted results and even still, the award given was from one day where students somewhat didn’t behave like animals – if any of you used to watch Waterloo Road, you’ll know what to imagine. If I had to be privileged enough to attend an independent school, would I have gotten better GCSE results? Did that then have a reflection on my A-Level results? And most importantly, will that set me back in my degree and affect my future? I guess I won’t know the answer to the last question just yet, but I think it will be foolish of me to let my GCSE grades determine my future as a lawyer. Nevertheless, it’s a thought that still crosses my mind.

This leads me to my question, what if I’m not good enough? What if because of my A-Level grades and consequently my choice of a non-Russell Group university, means that one day firms won’t give me a chance? Will they choose someone, who attended Oxbridge over me, even if both of us received the same grades? As much as I hate to think that it may be true, it is highly likely that they will. God, I hope I’m proved wrong.

Over the last few years, I must admit, I have got better at accepting my faults and weaknesses; and in relevance to this post, this is where my not so good friend, negativity comes into place.

I have spoken about this openly in my post  ‘Becoming Happier’ which may give you a little bit more insight. But for the purpose of this blog, let’s just say I have a tendency to overthink and panic. If something doesn’t go to plan, it is most likely to cause me to panic and think things will not work out. This isn’t in a controlling way, where I become some sort of control freak, because I do believe that everything will work out in the end and like one of my old friends once said ‘spontaneity is key’.

I know deep down, that everything happens for a reason and it is only a matter of time before you realise why things happen, the way they did. Am I the only one who feels this way? Certainly not. What was the purpose of this post.. to complain? Maybe so. But growing up I have always doubted myself which, thinking about it, probably comes from my underlying confidence issues. I’d be lying to you if I said I didn’t overthink one hundred times a day, from the stupid thoughts like what if someone thinks I’m walking weird, to ah shit, what if I’ve said the wrong thing? At the end of the day, nothing like that matters in reality and just like the little things, maybe we should stop wondering whether we are good enough and put our goals into existence. 

I think, in this day and age, it is easy for us to compare ourselves to others out there. With social media having a huge influence on our lives, sometimes it’s easy for us to forget that everybody has their own timeline. I love the quote “Getting your first degree after twenty-one is still an an achievement. Being married after thirty is still beautiful. Starting a family after thirty-five is still possible. Buying a house after forty is still a boss move. Don’t let people rush you with their timelines.” and there couldn’t be anything truer. This brings us back in a full circle, okay, maybe not quite a full circle, but you catch my drift. Whether it’s comparing our timelines on when; we will get our dream job, be in the right relationships or starting a family, I do think it is important to remember, that sooner or later, everything will fall into place. Does it really matter whether you get your dream job at thirty years old rather than in your early twenties? Yeah, sure it will be annoying as hell, but isn’t some time better than never?

“Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it’s a complex situation, and we don’t have the final answers yet.” ~ Dennis Miller

Courtney Bekah x